EXPECTATIONS
by Patcat
Summary: Written in response to a challenge at amorous intent.


EXPECTATIONS

She stared at the doctor. "What?" She was surprised at how calm her voice sounded.

Her doctor leaned forward and gently placed her hand over her patients'. "You're pregnant, Alex." Dr. Warren studied her carefully. "And I don't know if that's good or bad news for you."

Alex stared at their hands. "You…you're sure? I mean…we…I know I haven't been on the Pill…but we've used…we've been careful…"

Dr. Warren nodded. Alex watched as the sunlight from the window caused small, bright flashes of color to shine from her earrings. "I've run the test three times to be sure," she said gently.

"How…how far along?" Her voice retained its strange calmness, and Alex wondered if she was only observing something that was happening to an entirely different Alex Eames.

"Under a month," Warren answered.

"A month," Alex echoed. "So," she thought. "Maybe not the first time Bobby and I…but near then…"

"I'm sorry, Alex…about not letting you continue with the Pill," Warren said. "But with the other medications you were taking and the physical and emotional stress you were under, it simply wasn't safe." The doctor looked sympathetically at Alex.

"We…we've been using a condom," Alex said. "But I guess…"

Warren nodded. "Unfortunately, not every method is one hundred percent…"

"I…I just didn't want you to think that we…I…was so irresponsible or stupid…" A terrible thought struck Alex. "The medications…they…I stopped them soon enough…they won't hurt…"

Warren gently squeezed Alex's hand. "They shouldn't hurt…We can do a sonogram and several other steps. It's early enough that you have many options."

"I…I…need a little time," Alex whispered.

"I know." Warren nodded. "I'll tell you what…I'll make an appointment for an ultrasound and some other tests in a couple of weeks…We can always cancel it if you make another decision…"

Alex felt the words echo in her head; she knew what "decision" Warren referred to.

"Until then," Warren said calmly and professionally. "Here's some changes in your prescriptions…I know you told me you're not taking the painkillers or anti-anxiety meds any more, but just in case you need them you'll have the safest ones."

Alex nodded.

"You've been pregnant before, so you know what to expect…what to worry about…what complications you face…The potential risks…" Warren sighed. "I'm sorry, Alex…I don't know quite what to tell you or feel for you…I know this wasn't planned…I really didn't know you were involved with someone…Do you want to talk about this at all?"

Alex took a deep breath. She'd met Lynda Warren when she agreed to be a surrogate for her brother and sister-in-law and came to like and respect the doctor and woman enough to make her both her gynecologist and primary physician. Warren had nursed her through the surrogacy and its aftermath and everything that followed with care and skill. The doctor never pried, but quietly accepted any revelations without criticism; she knew something of Alex's joys and frustrations with her family, her job, her partner…her partner, the father of the life inside her.

"The father," Alex whispered.

"Do you…do you know how'll he feel about this?" Warren asked.

"He's a good man," Alex said softly as much to herself as to Warren. "He's kind and good…but he has so many troubles…especially right now…He's treated me so well through everything…but there are so many things…It's so complicated…His father was terrible…And he's so afraid he couldn't be a good parent…but he loves kids and is wonderful with them…I don't know…I don't know…Maybe I won't tell him…" Alex stared up at Warren; the doctor did her best to maintain a neutral expression, but Alex could tell she didn't like that last statement. "You think he should know?"

"I sometimes forget you're a police detective…and a very good one," Warren said wryly. "It is your decision, Alex." Her tone grew serious. "And I believe in a women's right to control what happens to her body. But the man also has a responsibility and a right, I think, to at least know. If he's as good a man as you say he is, he'll at least want to help you."

"Yes," Alex said. "But…there's so much…" She glanced at the clock on the wall. "I…I need to get back to…"

"You're sure you're ok?" Warren still held her hand as both women stood.

Alex nodded. "I…I just feel…stunned and numb, I guess." She picked up her coat.

"Alex…whatever you need…I'm here…" Warren laid a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Call me."

"I will…I will."

Alex moved on automatic pilot as she stepped from Warren's office. She confirmed the doctor's orders and possible plans with the secretary; she noticed that the young woman neither expressed joy or sympathy at Alex's new state. Alex signed the insurance forms and paused for a moment to study the black signature of Alex Eames that betrayed no sign of the turmoil inside her. She strode through the office and clinic that Warren shared with several other doctors; several open doors revealed women of various ages and stages of pregnancy waiting. Several beamed with joy; others were drawn and haggard with worry. Alex pushed through the building's main entrance and into the freezing air; the wind sent little needles of cold into her skin. The small church across the street had just set up its Nativity scene. It featured an impossibly Anglo-Saxon looking Mary dressed in blue and white waiting for the appearance of the Baby Jesus.

"Poor kid," Alex thought. "No one ever seems to show how terrified and lonely she must have felt…" She sighed and pulled her coat around her and tried to decide if she should take a long walk or short cab ride back to the Major Case Squad; Bobby had offered to take her to her appointment, but she had told him to use the morning to visit his mother. "I'm glad of that," she thought. "I don't know if I could face him right now…"

"Hey," a warm, low familiar voice said to her.

Alex turned to face Bobby Goren.

"Hey," Alex squeaked out. A wave of lightheadedness swept over her, and for a moment she feared she might faint.

"Alex? You ok?" Bobby's strong, gentle hands were on her shoulders, tenderly turning her towards him. Even in the cold and through his gloves, Alex felt the warmth of his hands.

"Yea…just…I might…" She struggled for an explanation. "The flu…I might be coming down with it."

"Do you need to go back in to your doctor?" Bobby was already preparing to guide her back into the clinic.

Alex shook her head. "No…I'm…fine…everything's fine…." She tried to smile reassuringly; from Bobby's expression, she sensed she'd failed.

"Alex, are you sure? You're as pale as a ghost." His voice was warm and comforting and full of love and concern; Alex nearly blurted out everything to him.

She took a deep breath and steadied herself. "Really," she said quietly. "I'm fine…My tests were all good, and the news is good…It's just…There's a flu going around…you know. " She tried to change the subject. "I didn't expect you."

He smiled. "That's pretty obvious." He paused. "My Mom…"

Alex held her breath; she wasn't sure she could deal with Bobby dealing with a bad episode with his mother at this moment.

"My Mom was good, but tired. Some kids came to sing for the patients last night…and there was a bit of a party." Bobby fiddled with his binder. "The staff told me she had a really good time…She told Christmas stories and talked about books…She told me about it this morning…But she got really tired…The meds do that to her…So, I told her I'd come back as soon as I can…" Bobby smiled, and Alex realized she rarely saw him smile when he talked about his mother. "For once, she didn't get upset…She said she'd like to be awake when her son visited her. It was…it was nice…good." Bobby smiled at Alex. "So I thought I'd see if I could catch you as you left and see if you'd like some lunch…I have the whole day…do you?"

"Uh…yeah…I do…" Alex felt as if her heart was being torn apart; she wanted to be with Bobby, but in several ways he was also the last person she wanted to be with at the moment.

Bobby studied her; he couldn't gage her mood, and it troubled him. When he'd left Carmel Ridge he had vague plans of spending the rest of the day making up to her in some small ways for her patience and understanding and love. The past few weeks had been a roller coaster of the best and worse days of his life, ranging from his near loss of Alex, to the confirmation and affirmation of their love for each other, to his mother's illness, to his near death, to his discovery of Alex as a refuge, to his explosions and near loss again of her at Thanksgiving, and finally to their reconciliation. He was not a religious man, but in the mornings he'd taken to muttering, "Please…no surprises…just let me get through the day…and thank you for Alex." The Alex he knew was direct and straightforward; the Alex on the sidewalk before him was evasive and frightened.

"I'm paranoid," Bobby thought. "It's just the flu…or she needed to do stuff…"

"Alex," he said quietly. "If you don't feel well…or have other plans…It's ok…really…"

She could tell it was not ok, that he wanted to be with her, and the realization tipped her feelings; she wanted to be with him.

"Lunch," Alex said suddenly and decisively. "Although if I don't eat much, you have to buy another time too."

Happiness rose and bubbled inside of him. "All right," he grinned. "Deal…and you get to pick both times."

Thousands of thoughts raced through Alex's mind as Bobby, for once, drove. He drove quietly and calmly and appeared to be in as much of a happy state as Alex could remember for a long time. He spoke warmly about his mother's words and actions of the morning and was guardedly optimistic about the prospects for her treatment. Leaning against the car door, Alex studied him. His dark curls were increasingly flecked with grey and there was some thickening around his waist, but Bobby still looked remarkably young.

"He's not that old…Sixty is the new forty, they say," Alex thought. "He's still in good shape…able to chase a kid…But he's a cop…just like Joe…not on the beat…but it's a dangerous job…could I lose someone again…and raise a kid on my own…would we even still be cops…" She shook her head.

Bobby glanced at her. "You ok?"

"Uh…yea…" Alex roused herself from her thoughts.

"Like I said." Bobby's voice was full of gentle concern. "You don't have to…"

"It's ok," Alex said perhaps too quickly. "Really," she said in response to Bobby's frown. "I want to be with you…always, but particularly today." And Alex realized with shock that she truly meant those words.

"You're sure? You seem…preoccupied," Bobby said quietly.

She smiled at him. "Really, truthfully…it's ok… But I tell you what…You've been awfully good to me lately…Why don't you pick where we go and what we do today?

"You're sure? You know what that may mean." He smiled at her, and Alex fought not to giggle. Bobby suddenly looked a great deal like a mischief making ten year old.

"Yes, I do," she answered.

There were a few moments when she regretted her decision, especially when Bobby opted for his favorite Thai restaurant for dinner. During her previous pregnancies, Alex's experiences with morning sickness came early in the process, followed by days of relative calm, aside from cravings for chocolate. After a few bites of the fiery food, she felt a remembered queasiness in her stomach, but she was fortunately able to quell it with several glasses of very sweet tea. "Besides," she thought. "This is Bobby's child…it probably likes spicy food." She excused herself to the restroom at one point and stared at her face in the mirror. The tiny being inside her was becoming more and more real to her as the day went by. "Oh, God," she thought and prayed. "I want this baby…I want this baby because it's mine and Bobby's…but I can't…I can't do it without him…" She turned the water faucets on full force, sat on the closed toilet seat, and allowed herself five minutes to sob out her fear and frustration. Bobby studied her closely when she returned to the table, but she waved away his worries. "Something in the air freshener in the bathroom," she said. "Or just this fire you like to eat."

They spent the afternoon at the Museum of Natural History and the neighboring planetarium. At the Museum they encountered two harried teachers attempting to herd a large group of second graders. Alex and Bobby flashed their badges and started to help the grateful teachers and the impressed children. Alex watched in a mixture of amusement and wonder as Bobby gently and genially lectured several openmouthed children about the dinosaurs, the hall, bad guys of New York, and the physics of reindeer flight. "He's so good with them," Alex thought. "He deserves to have a child…to least have a chance…to decide…"

After dinner they walked to collect Bobby's car. The evening was clear and beautiful, just cold enough to make a coat and scarf welcome. The city glowed with its usual lights complimented by thousands of Christmas lights and decorations. Wonderful smells rose from the many street vendors, and a rush of memories poured over Alex.

"What are you thinking?" Bobby asked gently. "You have a really great smile on your face."

She huddled closer to him. "Just remembering…My Mom and Dad would bring us all in to see the city during the holidays…" She shook her head. "Six kids…on the subway…I don't know how they did it…but every year…We saw the tree in Rockefeller Center…It wasn't Christmas until we did that…My Mom and Dad still do it…."

Bobby was suddenly silent.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, slightly tightening her grip on his arm. "You probably have…conflicted …feelings about the holidays."

Bobby looked down at her. "Yea," he said softly. "But I like hearing about yours."

They collected his car from a parking garage.

"I can take you to your house," Bobby said as he eased into traffic.

"Like I told you, Bobby," Alex said. "What do you want?"

He looked at her; his eyes were filled with love and passion and need. "I…I'd like to go to my apartment…."

When they reached his apartment, Bobby quietly took her coat, and the desire to fall into his arms, to let him love and take care of her, seized Alex. She stepped behind him, and when he turned to her, she whispered, "Bobby."

He leaned over to deeply and tenderly kiss her. "Alex," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. "I love you so much…You're so good to me…"

Alex's heart splintered, and she nearly blurted out her secret. "Our secret," she thought.

"I love you, Bobby…Tonight…whatever you want…It's for you…"

"Oh…Alex…my love…my life…" He removed her clothing as if she were a rare and fragile gift. As each item fell to the floor, he kissed and touched the newly exposed skin and murmured soft words of love. Alex's heart shattered into smaller and smaller pieces. Bobby guided Alex to his bed. When she was naked, he lifted her—Alex reveled in his strength—and gently sat her on the sheets. He quickly shed his own clothes, and stood for several moments gazing at her.

"Beautiful…lovely…good Alex," he murmured. He started to reach for a small package, but Alex stopped him.

"It's all right…you don't have to…" She struggled to control her voice.

He draped his body over hers.

"After all," she thought. "It doesn't matter now."

He had always been a wonderful lover, but this night his moves were even gentler, more passionate. He propelled Alex into a fantastic frenzy; one of the few moments when she was capable of something approaching logical thought she wondered if her sense that this might be the last time they made love was deepening the intensity of the experience. They came together in a flood of cries and wails of pleasure and a tangle of arms and legs.

Bobby lay exhausted and panting across Alex's body; he started to move, but she clutched at him.

"Stay," she begged him, both because she wanted him and because she didn't want him to see the betrayal and guilt in her eyes. "Please stay…"

He settled his head on her breasts. "Thank you…Alex…my love…thank you…" he murmured as he drifted asleep.

She lay for a long time, tenderly tangling her hands in his curls. She stared down at him. "He deserves to know…" she thought. "He's a good man…He'll take care of me…I can trust him…" She fell into an uneasy sleep.

She was awakened in the early morning by a vaguely familiar and uncomfortable sensation in her stomach. "No…not now," she thought, but the rumbling increased.

She tried to move carefully and cautiously, to slip away from Bobby and his bed, but the rebellion in her tummy grew rapidly. She fled from the bed and just managed to drop heavily on her knees before she violently emptied her stomach's contents into the toilet. Shivering, sweating, she knelt for several minutes before she became aware of Bobby's presence.

He heard and felt her gallop from his arms and bed. Groggily, he stumbled after her and heard the sound of her being sick. He stared for a moment at her naked, shivering body.

"She's hiding something," he thought. "The doctor…maybe it's terrible news…Oh, God," he suddenly and desperately prayed. "Not Alex…don't let her be sick…please….no…" He battled with his thoughts and carefully approached her.

"Alex? Baby? Are you all right? What's wrong?" At first his voice was thick with sleep and worry, but it gained clarity and control as he spoke.

Alex felt horribly ashamed and vulnerable.

"Here," Bobby said in his warmest and kindest voice. He tenderly draped one of his largest, thickest and softest towels around her. He carefully stepped past her and sat balanced on the edge of the tub. "You ok? Through throwing up?"

Alex leaned back and clutched the towel around her. "I…I think so…"

He tenderly pushed her damp hair from her face. "Why don't you take a shower…and I'll get you something to help your stomach?"

"O…ok," she said hating how weak and childish her voice sounded.

He helped her to her feet. "I'll be back soon," he said gently. "You going to be ok?"

She nodded.

"You…you shouldn't have let me take us to the Thai place if you didn't feel well," he said hesitantly.

Alex smiled weakly at him. "Hey," she said. "I like it too."

She struggled not to cry as the hot water pounded her body. "He's so good…and I'm betraying him…I have to tell him." She stared down at her body. Involuntarily, her hands spread across her lower abdomen.

There was a knock at the door, and Alex heard it open. "You ok?" Bobby said.

"Yes," Alex called back. "Just a moment." She shut off the water and stepped from the shower. One of Bobby's oldest and softest T-shirts waited for her on the counter. She smiled and pulled it over her head; for a long moment she stood before the door. "Ok," she sighed and opened it.

Sitting on the bed, Bobby smiled at her. "Here," he said. "I've got some soda and crackers for you…"

She ignored the crackers but drank the cold, fizzy liquid quickly and gratefully.

"Maybe if you'd had a drink at the restaurant, your stomach…" Bobby frowned and stood.

"You didn't have a drink," he said thoughtfully. "You almost always take the opportunity to have one drink."

A hand gripped and squeezed Alex's heart. "Oh, no," she thought.

He started pacing.

"Bobby…" Her voice choked in her throat.

"You've been…distant…far away…all day…" He might have been reciting the facts of a case.

"Bobby…" She finally squeaked out his name.

"Your stomach is upset…but you don't seem to have a temperature…"

"Bobby…please…don't…"

He ceased his pacing and spun to stare at her.

"Alex. Are you pregnant?"

She never considered a denial. "Yes." Her voice was low, but Alex found it surprisingly easy to say the word.

He stared at her. "Oh, God," he said, and Alex thought the words were more of a prayer than a cry.

She swallowed. "Bobby…please…please…"

"You weren't going to tell me." He didn't raise his voice, but the words struck her like a blow.

"Bobby…please…let me…"

He shook his head. "You weren't going to tell me…You…You…"

She reached for him, but he jerked away.

"Bobby…please…listen to me…please…" Terror seized her. "I just found out…Please…let me explain…"

"You've known…the doctor…all day?" He rubbed the back of his neck.

She rose to face him. "You…you were in such a good mood…Your Mom…was better…and you were so happy…" She stepped towards him, and Bobby backed away from her. "I…I didn't know…I was…am…confused and scared…I just wanted to be with you."

He still stared at her. "But…but you thought about it…about not telling me…and…and…"

She couldn't look him in the eye. "For just a second…no more, Bobby…I was so scared…for you and me…and there never seemed to be a good time today…"

He grabbed his pants and began slipping them on.

"Bobby…no…no…please." She again reached for him.

"Get away from me," he growled.

She fell back on the bed. "Bobby," Alex pleaded. "Please…don't go…I…I need you…"

He saw her face as he reached for his shoes, and fear and shame roared through him.

"Oh, God," he said and resumed his pacing.

"Bobby?" she asked desperately.

"Please…please…" He held out one large hand as a shield. "I…I…just need…please…"

Alex knelt on the bed. "Please…please don't leave me…Please…listen…" She choked, and Bobby's heart shattered.

"I…I'm sorry," he whispered. "It's just…it's a shock…"

"Yea," Alex said. She wanted to throw herself into Bobby's arms, but she was afraid it would drive him further away.

"Today…it must have been awful for you." Now he couldn't look her in the eyes.

"In some ways, yes," Alex said softly. "But in others…it was wonderful."

He was pacing again. "How…how far…"

"Less than a month." Talking about it was becoming much easier for both of them. "If I wasn't going to regular exams, I probably wouldn't have noticed for another couple of weeks…" She stared at the quilt on the bed. "I should have known…I've been pregnant twice…."

"Twice?" He stopped pacing and devoted all of his attention to her.

She nodded. She hesitated; her lower lip trembled and tears formed in her eyes. "No…no one knew…Not…not even Joe…but when he was killed…"

"Oh, Alex…" Bobby's voice was soft and gentle. "What…what can I say? I'm being so selfish…" He moved cautiously towards her, and when Alex reached for him he dropped on the bed and wrapped his arms around her. She began to sob, and as she cried Bobby whispered to her. "I'm here…I'm here…I won't leave…I'm here…I love you and I'll take care of you…I'm sorry…so sorry…It'll be all right…I love you." He tenderly rubbed her back, and her sobs began to ease.

"No one," Alex whispered. "Except my doctor knew…" Bobby handed her a tissue, and she wiped her eyes and nose. "Joe…wanted children…so did I…but…like now…it was a bad time…We were having a rough spot…He had trouble with the fact I was moving up faster in the force than him…and I wondered about how it would…my career…I knew for a week…and every day the baby became more and more real to me…But I couldn't find a way to tell him…I was afraid he'd be angry…And then…then he was killed." She pulled gently away from Bobby. "And he didn't know." Alex bit her lip and stared at her hands.

"What…what did you do?" Bobby asked softly.

"At first I didn't know what to do," Alex said. "I…I thought about ending it…but…I wanted to keep some part of him…and I…wanted a baby…I wanted that baby…One night…I woke up…there was this terrible pain and I was bleeding…I went to the emergency room…"

Bobby's hands covered hers. "By yourself?"

Alex nodded, and Bobby winced.

"I…I didn't want pity…people…even my family…going "poor Alex"…I'd had enough of that."

"Yea," Bobby said. "I…understand that…I hate pity."

Alex yawned; she was suddenly, desperately tired.

"Here," Bobby said gently and pulled the covers over her. "You must be exhausted."

"Bobby," Alex said with a small smile. "I'm pregnant, not sick. There's a difference."

Bobby returned the smile. "I know."

"What…you'll…" Fear edged into her voice.

He shed his clothes to his underwear. "Don't worry…I'm staying…My little dramatic display is over…We can talk about it tomorrow, ok? Right now you need some rest."

"Bobby," Alex mumbled wearily as he slipped beneath the covers next to her. "It IS tomorrow."

He sat leaning against the headboard. He watched and listened until he was sure she was asleep. She lay on her back, her face contented, her hair spread like a halo over her pillow. One of his hands drifted over her stomach; she stirred only slightly as his long fingers splayed out over her tummy.

"A baby," he whispered in wonder. "A child…my child…our child…"

The light streaming through the cracks in the blinds woke Alex; she stirred, smiled, and turned to reach for Bobby.

He was gone

There was a terrible feeling in her stomach; Alex couldn't tell if it was morning sickness or fear.

"Calm down," she thought. "He may be in the bathroom…He told you he would stay…He's never lied to you outside of playing a role…"

The rich, warm scent of coffee reached her, and Alex nearly cried out in relief.

"Good grief," she thought. "He just got up early and made some coffee." Her stomach suddenly and miraculously settled. "Idiot," Alex thought. "Being pregnant never made you stupid before."

The hardwood floor was cold on her feet. Some of her stuff had invaded Bobby's apartment, just as some of his had seeped into her house, but her stuff did not include a pair of slippers. She stepped into the main part of Bobby's apartment and saw him sitting in his desk chair. He leaned forward in the chair and clutched his coffee cup in both hands. He was dressed for work in a pale blue shirt and dark blue slacks; his tie and jacket were draped over the couch. The chair was turned so that he could look out the balcony door, and his gaze was intently focused on something outside. Alex sensed that the view was not the center of his thoughts.

"Hey," she said softly.

He turned his head to her voice. "Hey," he answered equally softly. "There's coffee…high octane, though."

She smiled. "I can still have it…just in moderation…"

He watched her walk to the kitchen, trying to see if there was any sign of the life inside her. He could detect no visible sign that this Alex Eames was any different from the beautiful woman he'd said good evening to the night…no…was it two nights…ago.

"She talks…and acts…like she wants this baby…" He stared into the depths of his coffee. "It'll be so hard…especially for her…even if we weren't partners…violating all these rules…There's me…what kind of a father would I be? What sort of a chance would a child have? I love her so much…but it's not enough sometimes…Could I…"

Bearing the life giving beverage, Alex emerged from the kitchen. As she approached Bobby, she saw that several pictures were spread across his desk. With a shock, she realized the photos showed a young Robert Goren and his family. There were only a handful of snapshots—less than a dozen—but they were the first pictures Alex had ever seen of Bobby's family.

"I…I've never seen…" she said cautiously.

"I know," Bobby said flatly. He stared at the photos. "These are all I have…There weren't many of me to start with…And over the years…all…all the disruptions…" He smiled sadly. "In my family…They just got lost…sorta like my family."

Alex's heart bled for him. She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around him. He rested his head against her tummy and held her gently.

"Alex," he said after a few moments of silence. His voice was muffled against her body.

"Yes?"

"This baby…what…what do you want? Do…do you want this baby?"

Alex rested her head on Bobby's; his warmth filled and spread through her body. Suddenly there was no doubt in her mind, her heart, her soul.

"I want it," she said softly but firmly. "I want it because it's mine and yours and I love you and you love me."

Bobby trembled in her arms.

"What do you want, Bobby?" It was the question she hadn't dared to ask. "Don't think about me or anyone else. What do you want?"

A terrible silence fell. Alex struggled not to show her fear; she was conscious of everything about Bobby—the sound of his breath and heart; the faint, pleasant scent of his cologne; the soft, warm touch of his skin.

"I…I want…" His voice was so low that Alex at first thought she might have imagined it.

"I want to marry you…I want this baby…this child…" His voice grew stronger as he spoke. "I love you…"

Alex collapsed with relief; she was dimly that she'd fallen into Bobby's arms and knelt on the floor.

"Alex…I'm sorry…so sorry…" He stroked her hair; his voice was low and husky. "But...but…I'm so screwed up…I'm so afraid…I love you so much…I can't bear the thought of hurting you…and…" He choked and swallowed. "I want this baby…I do…but…I have no idea how to be a father…My own…He didn't want me…"

Alex shivered and looked up at Bobby. "Bobby…you can't think…"

"He…he told me…My brother…told me…" Bobby's eyes were dark and desperate. "My Mom…she got pregnant…and my dad was furious…I found out later he tried to make her…make her get an abortion…She wouldn't…Part of it was that she was…is…Catholic…and she really believe it's wrong…but she wanted another child…He…he hurt her…hit her…but she wouldn't…And then when she…she got sick…My dad and my brother blamed me…" Bobby stared out the window. "I was never really his child…only my Mom's." He looked at Alex, who was stunned by the sudden passion and force in his eyes. "This child…this child will know it's wanted…I will love it…I do love it…but I don't know if…if I know how to show that…"

She placed her hand against his cheek. "Well," Alex said gently. "I had great parents…great examples…and all my nieces and nephews are great kids…and my brothers and sister are great parents…and I'm terrified too."

Bobby buried his head in her shoulder. After several moments, he pulled back and smiled at her. "At least," he said shakily. "I'll know what NOT to do."

She smiled back at him.

"There's a lot of other problems," Bobby said. "Work…what people will think…"

"Yes," Alex said quietly. "And…I'm older…more chances for complications." It was suddenly very easy to talk about everything.

"We're both older." Bobby shook his head. "We'll be planning for retirement and college…if that's what the kid wants…"

"Maybe we'll luck out and the kid will have your brains," Alex grinned. "And he/she will go to college at age ten with a full scholarship."

Bobby's mind was suddenly filled with the image of a beautiful girl with blonde hair—or was it a handsome boy with dark curls—smiling in a cap and gown. He hugged Alex and nuzzled her hair.

"I love you," he whispered. "So much."

She smiled and stood; Bobby pulled her to him so she was near him.

"And you," he whispered as he laid a hand over her tummy. "I love you so much."

FIVE YEARS LATER

"Hey! No pulling the hair, remember?" The tall man with the salt and pepper hair smiled up at the little boy on his shoulders.

"Sorry, Daddy!" The child's dark eyes were huge saucers. "There's so much to see!"

The slight blonde woman at their side grinned up at the boy. "Just be grateful your Dad's letting you up there so you can see…It's tough for us mortals near the ground."

"The tree! The tree!" The little boy shouted and pointed. "I see the tree!"

The trio pushed gently through the crowd to get closer to the giant, glistening Christmas tree; openmouthed, the little boy stared at it. "Wow," he finally said.

"Very wow," his mother said.

They stood for several minutes admiring the tree, the skaters, the decorations and the crowd. As they walked away, the boy leaned over to his father.

"Daddy, tell me again about how I was your best Christmas present ever…"

END


End file.
